Tulum wedding, before kids.


Chapter two: How I met Sarah
“The town of Tulum used to be a sleepy spot on the eastern coast of Mexico, about two hours south of Cancun. The pueblo was a fairly nondescript assortment of local stores and tourist spots, but when you took that 90-degree road to the beach and got through the thick vegetation, you arrived at a magical place.”


My mother’s last beach vacation is in the summer of 1984 and she has never visited Mexico before. On the following day I leave her some heartfelt advice on how to be safe.

On the night that we introduce my mother to tequila, Matt shows off his shirt he got in Japan: “YOPARATTA,” or drunk.


So glad that Sarah and I were able to keep our composure as she was escorted down the aisle by her brother Matt Sclarandis.

January 5, 2008

Of my mother, Matt says, “Kyoko-San was one of the two main influences in Mark’s life. The other, of course, was Cal Ripken.” Nonsequitur reference to a bunch of foreigners who don’t know baseball = comedy gold.

Matt then mentions the time in high school when my father told him to put on not one, but two condoms during sex. This is shortly after Matt uttered the term “double bagging.”

“Our wedding began at 4 p.m. on a Saturday, and 62 people—three of whom were pregnant and some others who didn’t drink—consumed 30 bottles of tequila.”


“When your mother and I retired to our honeymoon suite, around eight hours after the ceremony, I tried to stave off the spins while lying on the bed. Once I could focus, I looked up and thought, “This was the most mind-blowingly fun day ever. And this glass ceiling is beautiful—you can see all of the stars. Come to think of it, why don’t more rooms have glass ceilings?”


These are all of the activities that you do and take for granted when you don’t have kids under 5 years old.


These are all the activities that you don’t want your 5-year old watching you do.


Scaling a palm tree after having a few drinks: not a good example for the kiddos.

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